Who Am I, Really?
Mama Soul, 2021 BY AZZA GASIM – used by permission: (https://azzagasim.myportfolio.com/soul-ection-collection-2021)
''What's my definition of success?
Creating something no one else can
Being brave enough to dream big
Grindin' when you're told to just quit
Giving more when you got nothin' left
It's a person who'll take a chance on
Something they were told could never happen
It's a person that can see the bright side through the dark times when there ain't one
It's when someone who ain't never had nothin'
Ain't afraid to walk away from more profit
'Cause they'd rather do somethin' that they really love and take the pay cut
It's a person who would never waver
Or change who they are
Just to try and gain some credibility
So they could feel accepted by a stranger
It's a person that can take the failures in their life and turn them into motivation
It's believing in yourself when no one else does, it's amazing''
- Hope, Platinum-selling HIP-HOP artist NF – 2023
I made two bad errors of judgment last month.
And just by a stroke of a pen.
And in doing so, I caused a lot of hurt to a few people I highly respect.
I absolutely meant no malice or harm, but looking back, it was a pattern I recognised in much of my life – not thinking things through, relying too much on my gut – jumping in and worrying about the consequences later.
I consulted with two trusted friends on this matter as the guilt made me think of completely jettisoning my writing career.
But one night, as I found it difficult to sleep, went down to the lounge and confronted myself in the dark as the real reason why I chose to tough path to be an entrepreneur and a writer.
What really was the reason?
In the dark, I forced myself to confront the longing in the deepest pockets of my soul.
And I realised the truth.
It wasn’t about money. Out of the 45,000 books published last year, only 160 sold more than 100,000 copies. 85% of books sold 5000 or less.
Fat chance of me becoming a millionaire from writing.
It wasn’t about becoming famous or a celebrity.
I am a sworn introvert and still cowered from the limelight.
So, why?
As I sat in the dark, I forced myself to go back to basics, to that morning in 2021 when this journey started after a bad injury. And it came down to three things:
1. Who AM I?
My deeply held values will never change. The love I have for people and communities and my passion to make everyone’s life that I encounter better. The values that I espouse: Resilience, Kindness, Empathy, Drive. Compassion. But values need to be nurtured, or they can get buried under everyday stuff. A diamond in the rough is still a diamond. For a diamond to be seen and appreciated, it needs to be cut, to be polished, to be cleaned. In the same way, my mistakes do not define me. It is easy to categorise people into good and bad, kind or wicked, honest or liars, but the truth is, we are all complex. Very complex. As clergyman John Newton (1725- 1807) wrote:
Some people can be solid and disciplined, but abrasive, critical and temperamental.
Some people can be passionate, but also impulsive, impatient and not think things through properly, and often have to apologise for rash statements (sounds familiar)
Some can be kind-hearted and willing to help, but simply not reliable, or punctual, don’t follow through on promises, are always over-extended, and as a result may do shoddy work( again, sounds familiar).
Maturity comes from recognising these blind spots in our lives and continually polishing them, so our real value can shine.
I AM NOT MY MISTAKES. I AM NOT MY FAILURES.
2. WHAT LIES AM I TELLING MYSELF?
Despite everything, in my purest and authentic self, I matter. I matter to myself, to my family and friends, to this world. And if I believe I matter, then I will live my life to that truth.
Many of us have this the other way around. Sometimes we live our lives so that we can convince others and ourselves that we matter. But actually, we must live our lives from the deep truth and knowledge that we have intrinsic worth, independent of what we do. If we really know and believe that we matter, then the fruit of our lives will naturally flow out of that truth.
I AM, THEREFORE I DO.
3. BUT WHY AM I HERE?
I am here because there is a need for me to meet, a gap I need to fill, a path I need to walk. Of course, we all have duties. I need to be a good father, husband, friend, son, brother, colleague, boss.
But we all have a deeper longing, a reason to belong, a purpose we feel we are called to do, that cannot always be identified or explained scientifically.
Sometimes, that search for meaning can be buried under the mountain of everyday worries, traumas we faced and face, and the worries of this life and the actions of others.
And sometimes it takes a mistake, (like in my case) or a life threat (again in my case) a near-death experience - or we are wise and learn from the mistakes of another.
And the real reason for purpose is to serve in some capacity. True purpose means service.
We all need to brush away the cobwebs and distractions and the tinted glasses.
We are ‘ successful’ when we find the unique capacity in which we are called to serve.
WHY AM I HERE? TO SERVE IN MY UNIQUE WAY.
If we can re-orient ourselves towards these foundational truths, like a sat-nav, even if we lose our way, real answers to these questions will help re-orient us towards the true north.
And ultimately, isn’t that what life is about?
If you HAVE bought and read the book, please leave a review on Amazon + share it on social media. :)
Thank you!
Steven
