Compassion: The Rational Practice of Empathy
Art by Kuenyehia Award for Contemporary African Art; Used with permission
https://www.kuenyehiaprize.org
Don’t care what you have to say
That you think it's okay
That your words have fixed me
No, sorry isn’t good enough..
Fxxx you and your twisted ways
Now you’ve broken everything
Say this time you’ve changed.
But sorry isn’t good enough
No, sorry isn’t good enough…
Joy Oladokun – Sorry isn’t good enough, 2021
The whole street was littered with dead bodies.
Blood flowed like a red river across the road.
The stench was unbearable
And cries of horror filled the streets.
It made headline news.
800,000 innocent people were being butchered on the streets with blaring on the radio egging on the killers..
“Kill all the cockroaches”!
‘’Kill all the cockroaches'!
Last week was the 30th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide which killed almost 1 million people.
I could feel the pain in my friends when I spoke to them as they drove to London to mark this grim day.
‘’Oh, that’s horrible'' people used to say – then went back and kept on eating their dinners.
30 years ago.
People felt sorry.
But sorry wasn’t good enough. Not when people were being butchered like their lives didn’t matter.
Sorry wasn’t good enough.
It wasn’t then.
And it isn’t now.
We are all good at feeling sympathy. Feeling sorry for the homeless couple on the street.
Feeling sorry for the person who couldn’t didn't make the cut.
Feeling sorry for all the senseless lives being lost in wars.
Empathy moves a step closer.
We try to understand where the person is coming from. Their perspective. Why they do what they do. Why they are who they are.
We try to understand them and feel their pain. Treat them better.
But no, empathy by itself is not enough either.
To make a real difference, we need to move from Sympathy to Empathy. And then from Empathy to Compassion.
Compassion is feeling sorry for someone, putting yourself in their shoes, and crucially, taking action to remedy the situation or problem which is in the best interest of the person involved.
Sympathy is definitely overrated.
Empathy may be overrated.
But for maximum lasting results, we need to act.
But act in the long-term best interest of the person.
How?
May I suggest four ways?
Understand
Rationalise
Explain
Act.
Let's delve in...
Understand.
Malaria was ravaging the country. The NGO saw it on TV. They realised that feeling sorry or just putting themselves in the person's shoes wouldn’t cut it.
So bless them, they decided to act.
They did some research and realised that most people could not afford mosquito nets – and how mosquito nets were the silver bullet to save people’s lives. So they went online and did some research. It was dead cheap to get them manufactured in China and shipped directly to the country.
So they did.
They paid for thousands and thousands of cheap nets and sent them over for free.
But...
In trying to solve one problem, they created another. A bourgeoning home industry for mosquito nets gave unemployed citizens thousands of jobs. The free mosquito nets put the new home industry out of business and created a massive unemployment problem.
They missed the first rule of practising empathy. They did not really understand the problem. But understanding is not enough...
2. Rationalise: After understanding the problem, the next step is to rationalise. Does this person or situation really need my help? Am I qualified to give it? Am I acting out of pure emotion, guilt or ego? Do I have the person’s best interests at heart, or (gulp!) mine? Are there any boundaries I have set myself that I would have to cross to give this help? Rationalising means doing a self-motive check. Starting with Why, to quote Simon Sinek. The next step is to communicate with the person or stakeholders involved…
3. Communicate: The person on the receiving end needs also to be privy to what you have decided to do after hearing the problem. The truth needs to be said, honestly, but with love, understanding and tact without compromising the essence, whilst explaining the reason for that decision. Then comes the difficult bit…
4. Act: This is where we move from empathy to compassion. There are three scenarios:
a. Fulfil the need: If after understanding, rationalising and communicating the person's need/request is warranted, then we need to go ahead and meet it (if we are willing and able)
b. Do nothing: Some problems are not ours to solve. Sometimes all you can do is empathise. Not everything needs to be fixed. Sometimes all that is needed is a listening ear, an understanding heart, and a presence of mind.
c. Do not fulfil the need or offer an alternative. Once, I met a homeless person begging on the street, asking for money. I had the money. I wanted to help. But I walked on by. I walked on by because I recognised who he was—one of my clients who had rejected his rehabilitation programme and had revived his drug misuse. My suspicions were confirmed when a passerby went into a nearby supermarket and bought him a meal deal. He rejected the offer and continued to ask for money.
Jason Feifer, in his book Build for Tomorrow, tells the story of how he hated summer school, but his parents made him go – and once he got there he absolutely loved it.
But acting only comes after understanding. That is why in practising compassion, the first and most important thing to do is to listen, learn and understand. As Stephen Covey puts it in The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, Seek to understand, and then be understood.
So empathy is not just an emotion. To work it needs to be a call to action. It needs compassion.
For more insights on this topic, listen to my conversation with world empathy expert Erin Thorp:
https://open.spotify.com/episo...
Whilst you're here...
1. Work with me. I can public-speak, mentor, write or consult. Hop onto www.stevenadjei.com for a taste, read what people say about my work, and holler at hello@stevenadjei.com for a chat. I'd love some feedback as well on the above article.
2. Buy my book. You won't regret it. It's won several awards and has been number 1 on Amazon in more than EIGHTEEN categories. The direct links are below if you are in the UK or US. If you already have, I'd love an honest review on Amazon. Reviews really do help us out :)-.
3. Talk to me: I won't judge. My strongest values are empathy and resilience, and as someone who's been through a lot of pain, I can work with you to help overcome (or manage) your business pain and turn it into victory.
Rooting for you,
Steven.
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Thank you!
Steven
