The Dark Side of Empathy: Busting the Seven Great Myths
''Self'' by Helena Sackey, Finalist - Kuenyehia Prize for Contemporary African Art, 2022
https://www.kuenyehiaprize.org – Used by Permission
We always need to hear both sides of the story
And the lights are all on, the world is watching now
people looking for truth, we must not fail them now
be sure, before we close our eyes
don't walk away from here
'til you see both sides
Both Sides, Phil Collins, 1989.
There are always both sides to a story, and the subject of empathy is no different...
He was 35 years old and still hadn’t found a job. He dropped out of school. He didn’t know how to cook. If he ever needed money, mom and dad were a phone call away. His family suffered because, after work, all he would do was play computer games all day and travel to see his favourite football team each Saturday. He had a chronic sickness, but it wasn’t debilitating. Mom and Dad tried to show empathy. All he had to do was cough, or drop his hat, and Dad would be there in a flash...
She showed all the signs of autism. But she managed to find a job. However, she refused treatment even though she’d been offered it because according to adults of her generation, autism was a myth. Any little stress she faced would bring out expletives, a temper, and throwing out her toys like a 5-year-old. Her manager, and parents, trying to show empathy, did not discipline her, or show her the consequences of her behaviour. So she continued. And her whole team continued to suffer.
These true stories, drawn from actual experiences, explain what empathy is not. Being truly empathetic, studies have shown, comes at a significant cost to the empathetic person.
For example, according to studies done in 2014, and detailed in the 2024 book Build the Life you Want: The Art and Science of getting Happier by Arthur Brooks and Oprah Winfrey, people undergoing empathy training increased their negative feelings towards people in distress, and in his book, Against Empathy, The Case for Rational Compassion, Paul Bloom argues that empathy can cause leaders to make irrational and unfair decisions.
But what are the myths or extremes of empathy that we need to address? When can empathy move from being helpful to actually being damaging?
I suggest 7 red flags...
Empathy is Not Endorsement. In one of the most viewed TED talks of all time (and one of my favourites), We need to talk about injustice, public interest lawyer Bryan Stevenson, makes the case that we are better that the worst thing we’ve ever done, whether it is lying, stealing or killing. In my career as a pharmacist, I have met and talked with hundreds of patients who had done terrible things – but when I heard their stories, like serial offender Rihanna who had spent years and years in prison – who woke up one morning with her mother dead by her bed with a needle stuck in her arm, or Alison - whose mother and grandmother gave birth in prison. When she got violent in one of the health centres in which I worked, I still banned her but signposted her to get help. You can empathise with someone but disagree with their actions, decisions or beliefs.
Empathy does not excuse bad behaviour. As a leader and parent, this is probably one of my worst weaknesses. My empathy and feeling for the people I lead sometimes get so strong that I fail to notice and act when their actions tend to gravitate away from weaknesses into plain bad behaviour. Sometimes true empathy will involve giving people ‘tough love’. If someone is progressively making bad choices, the best thing you can do is not just to show empathy, but taking action to help them make better choices.
Empathy does not mean lack of boundaries. As author and Wharton Professor Adam Grant says, ‘Authenticity without boundaries is selfish’. Empathy does not mean you are available to people 24/7, it does not mean people can trample on you or your personal space at will, or that they can treat you as a doormat. The most effective leaders I have encountered had what I call ‘concentric rings of availability’ which meant they made themselves available for help according to the deepness of the relationship. They preserved their personal space, and maintained a form of ‘psychic distance’.
Empathy is not baby-sitting. Sometimes the worst thing we can do as empathetic leaders or parents is to immediately move to remove the suffering. There is no resilience without pressure or suffering of some kind. People need to be stretched. The key is to know when the pressure or suffering moves from stretch to stress. If we step in and intervene at the smallest sign of suffering we do more harm than good in the long term.
Empathy is not uniformity. Empathy will mean different things to different people. In my upcoming book, Chasing Permanence, I talk about how we can use Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages to show empathy. For some, empathy would mean time. For some, it means a word of appreciation. For some, it may mean little acts of service, for others just a handshake or a hug, and for others, just a little token of a gift. Empathy must be personalised,
Empathy is not a one-way street. It is also okay to expect empathy in return. Too often, as leaders we want to be the martyr that goes saving everyone else, forgetting that we also sometimes need saving. As we give empathy to others, we should also train others to give empathy back. This is difficult for many leaders and parents because it means we need to show vulnerability and weakness – it's okay for people to know as well that we haven’t always got it all together, that we don’t have all the answers, and that we can also get tired. An excess of Empathy can make us feel unneccesary pain. Some of us care too much, me being one of them. Caring without action is incomplete.
Empathy needs to move us to act. In my first book Pay The Price, I talk about how empathy (feeling the pain of others and putting ourselves in their shoes) is not enough. Empathy needs to move us to act in the best interest of the one who needs it. And that best interest many not be the most obvious. – Empathy is what we feel, Compassion is what we do. And this is what I tackle in the next edition – The Rational Practice of Empathy.
For me...
This is something I struggle massively with - especially points 2 and 3, and I’m having to work hard daily to mitigate these in my daily work as a leader.
How about you?
I’d love to hear from you - ping me at hello@stevenadjei.com.
Whilst you're here...
1. Work with me. I can public-speak, mentor, write or consult. Hop onto www.stevenadjei.com for a taste, read what people say about my work, and holler at hello@stevenadjei.com for a chat. I'd love some feedback as well on the above article.
2. Buy my book. You won't regret it. It's won several awards and has been number 1 on Amazon in more than EIGHTEEN categories. The direct links are below if you are in the UK or US. If you already have, I'd love an honest review on Amazon. Reviews really do help us out :)-.
3. Talk to me: I won't judge. My strongest values are empathy and resilience, and as someone who's been through a lot of pain, I can work with you to help overcome (or manage) your business pain and turn it into victory.
Rooting for you,
Steven.
If you HAVE bought and read the book, please leave a review on Amazon + share it on social media. :) Reviews are like gold to us budding authors!
Thank you!
If you HAVE bought and read the book, please leave a review on Amazon + share it on social media. :)
Thank you!
Steven
